(This is the fourth in a series of posts detailing my testimony as I trace the faithfulness of God from my birth until the present day)
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28
To pick up where we left off last, I was in my junior year of high school, 5 months into my recommittal to Christ, when all of a sudden I am hit with the announcement that the girlfriend I had put away so thoroughly a half a year ago is pregnant with my child. But, as I said, through the power of Christ I was resolved to go at this new challenge full strength.
The child was born, February 2, 2001, a little girl, and at this point it was necessary for us to go into legal issues of paternity which I will deal with later. Elsewhere in my life, however, I was starting to get back into dating, this time with a freshman girl I had met through Campus Life. This turned out to be more difficult to start than I expected, since my reputation among the teachers coupled with her mother working in the school system resulted in a number of precautionary emails warning her mother that I was trouble. Thankfully her parents were more trusting of their experience with me than other peoples opinions and we began a relationship which lasted for 2 and 1/2 years.
Things started out well for us, but within a few months we began pushing boundaries physically that we should have avoided. We never got to the point of having sex, but that doesn’t mean that we were fleeing from sexual immorality the way we should have been, nor was I very restrained in my own personal lusts either, all of this leading to a life under the surface which was still less sanctified than it appeared.
Outside of the physical issues though, this relationship provided me with something which I desperately needed at the time, that being acceptance. I had burned a lot of bridges in the previous year, so to have a new relationship with a girl whose family invited me in so warmly was a welcome feeling. At that point I was struggling especially with my youth group where the leadership took issue with my likely-newfound fatherhood and made things very uncomfortable for me being there. Thus, I decided to leave that church, and, searching alongside my girlfriend’s family, I eventually made my way to Porter Memorial Baptist Church. Of all the things that I can look back on from that relationship, the fact that God used it to bring me to Porter is probably the most life-changing.
Going into my senior year of high school I had a lot of expectations. I had marching band and wrestling, both of which I was legitimately chasing state championships in, along with the necessary decision of what would come next after graduating. Then it happened. September 11th. I didn’t lose anyone in the tragedies, nevertheless, this event had a major effect on my life. The fear of terrorism awakened that day still finds its way into my dreams occasionally. But more than that, my patriotism, which had always been a virtue I had treasured, was excited higher than ever and I began looking into entering the Armed Forces. This pursuit led to the eventual presence of the Army recruiters at my kitchen table the night I turned 17, talking with my parents and seeking permission for me to join the Army while still a minor. From here I went up to the entrance processing to take a physical and sign up officially. But while there, the weirdest thing happened. I passed all of the actual physical parts of the examination, but, for the first time in my life, my blood pressure measured high. Real high. Higher than the Army could allow for me to sign up with, it turns out. This wasn’t the end however, as all I had to do was go home, have normal readings recorded for 10 days by my doctor, and send the waiver back to MEPS to allow my certification to be complete. This I did and I was prepared to head back and sign on, but first, and fatefully, I was leaving for a week at Cocoa Beach on Spring Break. Looking back now, I know that this was all part of God’s providence in my life.
In the time between the start of my senior year and going to enlist I had received the results which showed conclusively that I was indeed the father of my ex-girlfriend’s child. Following this I moved into an agreement to pay child support, began spending regular time with my daughter, and started the process of trying to get some level of legal custody over my daughter. I had also, almost compulsively, applied to college at the University of Kentucky, which I learned I was accepted to on the same day I met with the military. Taking all of this with me to Cocoa Beach that week, God began to work on my heart and plans. Finally, after spending several hours in prayer, standing knee-deep in the ocean one night, I came to the understanding that God was leading me to stay home, go to college instead of the army, and raise my daughter. So, arriving back in town the next week, I called the recruiters and told them my decision. They tried to convince me otherwise, but when it was over I stood to my conviction and began heading down the road to get custody of my little girl and start college, both of which God blessed me in far beyond what I could have expected at that moment.
One other thing happened that year worth noting, that being the death of my papaw. As I have already mentioned, my papaw was the man who most influenced my life growing up, and I truly loved him as much as any person I have ever known. In stories he had always been described to me as a man of great strength, who did all that he could to protect his integrity and to provide for his family. Personally, I got to spend countless hours with him, playing cards, watching Westerns, and learning from the years of experience he had accumulated. He was far from perfect, but he was certainly a model of true manhood that was seriously lacking in my own father and step dad, and as such was the model to me of what a father is supposed to be.
Yet, with that said, through the irony that often strikes great men, I watched him spend the last years of his life handicapped and increasingly dependent on the care of others. But being in that house, watching him fade away, struck me with a certain conviction on my life. Standing by his bed, holding his hand and praying as he passed on, God conveyed to me that it was my turn now. That from that moment I needed to be the man who people could turn to. To be the man who would care for his wife and children and family and be a picture of strength for them to look to. I can’t say as I have perfected this, particularly with my own parents and siblings, but I have known ever since that day that I needed to be a man, God’s man, who would stand as the rock for others, pointing them to Christ through my love and faith and commitment. And this is part of the challenge on my life everyday.